Walker Carpenter

Photo by Walker Carpenter

Dear Aron & Josh,

Someone in my frat is making me fast for a week. I really don’t want to drop out of the frat but I don’t know if I can make it a week with just water. Help?

Hungry AF,

Groveling Greek

Dear Groveling Greek,

First of all, it sounds like your frat sucks. Unless pledge will end with you snorting more coke than Kate Moss, you should probably drop. If not, here are some ways in which you might continue to starve:

Become a vegan.

Crazy glue your hands together. It will make it harder to eat and easier to pray.

Tape your mouth. It will stop you from eating and complaining, which you have already begun.

Ironically,

Aron & Josh

Dear Aron & Josh,

I’m not Jewish, but I am interested in settling down with a Jewish man. How can I go about making myself a desirable spouse to Jewish men?

Yours,

Shapely Shiksa

Dear Shapely Shiksa,

Before you fall for your swarthy Semite, there are a few things you should know about God’s husbands. Firstly, if you’re taller than 5”10 and still interested, you clearly haven’t met any Jews. If you’re short enough to be on *this* ride, acquaint yourself with circumcision. For those of you who haven’t read the Wikipedia article, circumcision often damages penile nerves, leading to decreased sensitivity but increased sexual endurance. The first one seems to be more of his problem than yours, so there doesn’t really seem to be a down side.

Unfortunately, unless you’re willing to convert, you should be prepared to hear your mother-in-law say at your wedding “I’m not gaining a daughter. I’m losing a son.” If you’re willing to overlook these humps, you should start by offering to bake him matzah. Contrary to the 19th century European belief, this will not require the blood of a Christian child. If you’re feeling particularly ambitious, knit him a yarmulke, or even transcribe for him a personal copy of the Old Testament. Don’t let him know there’s a new one. Learn some dirty Biblical words.

Finally, it’s important to consider a few questions. Do you like chest hair? Do you like pubic hair? Do his parents accept patrilineal descent? Will they come to the wedding? Is he moving to Israel? Is he moving to Palestine? Will there ever be peace?

Shanah tovah,

Aron & Josh

Dear Aron & Josh,

I write for another publication on campus that is perhaps more prestigious than your humble paper, but I find myself unfulfilled and unchallenged (both professionally and sexually.) The environment is inhibiting and stale (both professionally and sexually.) How do I break with the old and find a new outlet for my creative juices (both…well, you get the idea)?

Sincerely,

Pathetic Princetonian

Dear Pathetic Princetonian,

The only organizations that are less sexually fulfilling than the Prince are the Tory and the Anscombe Society. While the Prince seems to be New Jersey’s most reliable branch of the Drug Enforcement Administration, it’s probably a hard place to get it up or get it in. It’s certainly not as fun as the Nass, which, according to an anonymous attendee last year (who may or may not be one of these columnists), has “more hot girls at its meetings than all of TI.” The best thing you could do to moisten yourself with creative juices is to sit yourself down in the Prince office and find a big ol’ tab of acid. Call PSafe.

Let the rivers of creativity run down your leg,

Aron & Josh

Dear Aron & Josh,

Would you be into butt stuff if it was [sic] with the right person?

Yours,

Saucy in Scully

Dear Saucy in Scully,

Before engaging in philosophical analyses, it’s best to define your terms. “Into” can connote the state of “being inside a butt,” or a general interest in rectums.

In some parts of the world, “into” refers to the operation of multiplication. In the video game Madden, into is a commonly used abbreviation for “interception.”

More importantly, let’s look at “right.” Are you referring to a moral, upstanding person, or someone you feel emotionally compatible with? A “right” person can also refer to a politically conservative individual, like the venerable Robert George. Are you talking about Robert George?

He’s not into it, but there are condoms outside your RCA’s door, and Passion Lube is $19.87 on Amazon. If you need additional support, Cosmo has a wonderful 10-step How-to.

Leading from behind,

Aron & Josh

Dear Aron & Josh,

Should I propose casually hooking up with a good friend? Pros and cons, with net present value and discounted future financial shit thrown in, please.  

Love,

Casually Copulating

Dear Casually Copulating,

My mom says everyone should marry his or her best friend, but she doesn’t really talk about casual sex. How much does this friend plan to make annually after graduation? If it’s not Bain or Goldman, the answer is not enough for someone asking a question like this. Pros: you will be having sex, which is more sex than we are having. Cons: it will end, as all things do, badly. Even if it goes well, it won’t. Like the Soviet Union, it will seem fine for awhile and then collapse violently and repressively, revealing a massive system of secret prisons. Do it.

No strings attached,

Aron & Josh

Dear Aron & Josh,

Does true love exist, and if so, how do I find it?

Sincerely,

Sultry Seeker

Dear Sultry Seeker,

We’re pretty sure it doesn’t. If you want to pretend, there are a couple of places that might satisfy you. If you love Jesus, PFA. If you’re in love with yourself, the Nass meets in Frist on Mondays and in Bloomberg on Thursdays. If neither of those works, go to the Golf Course Sunday night at 2:15 am. Stand underneath the leftmost pine tree and utter the incantation, “All you need is love” twelve times. Spread hummus across your body and wait. Wait. True love comes for us all.

Everything is illuminated,

Aron & Josh