100 things the staff of the Nassau Weekly doesn’t want to see next year.

  1. Derivative sweatshirts.
  2. The polar vortex.
  3. Basic bitches.
  4. Buzzfeed quizzes.
  5. Swiping right.
  6. Passes for Blow Jobs.
  7. “Don’t worry, I’ll find an officer inside.”
  8. Referring to Cottage as “taj”
  9. Referring to Charter as “charts”
  10. Last night.
  11. And all the nights before it.
  12. Bragging about being blacklisted from Charter.
  13. People in Dillon working out in jorts.
  14. The dropoff in Nass meeting attendance after bicker.
  15. Asymptomatic carriers.
  16. Shortening it to “meng” as though it were just another ~zany~ Princeton word and not a life-threatening disease.
  17. People referring to Daenerys Targaryen as “Khaleesi” as though it’s her name and not just a generic Dothraki title.
  18. People who haven’t read the books.
  19. Susan Patton’s opinions
  20. Opinion columns about Susan Patton.
  21. e-cigarettes.
  22. Thesis selfies.
  23. My grandfather’s twice-daily requests that I play “Caesar’s Casino” with him on Facebook.
  24. The war on drugs
  25. Startups.
  26. Your not touching me.
  27. My not touching you.
  28. “What’s your Tumblr URL?”
  29. Living situations with fewer rooms than roommates.
  30. Commenting on Facebook profile pictures with an image that bears a humorous resemblance to the original.
  31. “What are you doing this summer?”
  32. “What are you doing next year?
  33. “What are you doing with that knife?”
  34. “What are you doing to that pie?”
  35. Huge beetles skittering out from under my couch.
  36. Bed bugs.
  37. Bugged beds.
  38. The NSA.
  39. Waking up like this.
  40. The blood moon.
  41. The blood moon’s effects on squirrels.
  42. My month as a prisoner of the squirrel king.
  43. My week as jester for the squirrel king.
  44. My day in the squirrel king’s harem.
  45. My failed assassination attempt on the squirrel king.
  46. My sentence to death by nutting.
  47. My daring escape at the gallows.
  48. My uniting the bird and rabbit tribes through strategic intermarriage.
  49. My final assault on the squirrel king’s death-fort.
  50. My showdown with him in the hall of tapestries.
  51. My realization that it was not violence, but love, that would destroy him.
  52. My most fateful kiss.
  53. Prompts that contain the sentence “Why or why not?”
  54. Majestic casual.
  55. Business casual.
  56. The nation-state.
  57. Repugnance.
  58. Repangg.
  59. Nugg.
  60. Any place without Fage.
  61. Three holidays at once.
  62. Turning down.
  63. Beat drops.
  64. People who come to the new floors in Firestone for the sunlight and the possibility of peppering their studying with light conversation and not to weep in darkness and TOTAL UNBREAKABLE SILENCE.
  65. Privilege.
  66. “_______ and sluts”
  67. Decline in popularity of name “Jessica.”
  68.  “How often does the Nassau Weekly come out?”
  69. “logic”
  70. “facts”
  71. “serfbōrt”
  72. Spending four years talking about how you’re “totally going to drop [affiliation] next semester.”
  73. The Prince throwing shade on Twitter.
  74. Cherry blossoms during JP season.
  75. Cherry blossoms mashed to pulp under my foot.
  76. Slipping on pulpy cherry blossoms.
  77. Cherry blossoms in your hair.
  78. Cherry blossoms in your pubic hair.
  79. Your friends that still say hi to me.
  80. Conscious uncoupling.
  81. Literally.
  82. I can’t even.
  83. Dying.
  84. Haaaallllpppp.
  85. Your stupid haircut.
  86. Those dumb shirts you wear that aren’t funny.
  87. Pitbull.
  88. Dogfighting.
  89. Drones.
  90. Pickled shit.
  91. Shit poems published in the New Yorker.
  92. My poems not being published in the New Yorker.
  93. Inside jokes.
  94.  “Satire”
  95. Your brand.
  96. Romanticizing mental illness on your “black & white depression/soft grunge blog.”
  97. Being frat enough to care, just a little bit.
  98. Rap game anything.
  99. Unpaid internships.
  100. You. Or at least until next year.